Breaking the Habit
by Wandering Prophet
Summary: An elf is found in the woods, beaten, and dying; Haldir takes her in. A love begins but will they let it last since both have had problems in the past?
1. Default Chapter

Breaking the Habit

Chapter 1

A/N: I wanted to write a Haldir romance and this is what my brain spit out. I'm still debating on where I want to actually go with this fic, but review this and tell me what you think.

Disclaimer: I only own Lirael. And, yes, the name itself belongs to Garth Nix, but she is nothing like his wonderful creation. Everything else belongs to The Almighty Tolkien. Also, the song lyrics belong to Linkin Park; it's called "Breaking the Habit".

Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

You all assume

I'm safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not alright

So I'm

Breaking the habit

Tonight

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I had no options left again

I'll paint it on the walls

'Cause I'm the one at fault

I'll never fight again

And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So I'm

Breaking the habit

Breaking the habit

Tonight

"Lirael!" he cried, running over to her fallen form. "Lirael!" He let the tears fall freely now, there was no reason to hold them back.

"Haldir…" she managed to choke out, blood beginning to seep from the corners of her mouth as she opened it. She had two arrows protruding from her body; one in her right shoulder, and one to her chest. "I'm…I'm not going to make it. Promise me, you will move on. I won't be the cause of your death."

"Lirael, you _are_ going to make," Haldir said, grasping her hand. 

She moved her other hand to caress his face, exploring every detail. "Haldir…just move on. You will find someone else. My time here is done. I…I love you."

As Lirael said this, her grasp on Haldir's hand began to loosen and her eyes slowly closed. His tears still fell and he cursed the foul orcs who had taken attempted to kill them.

But as the girl lay dying right before him, he began to reminisce about the time they had spent together. How they had come to meet, their petty quarrels, their first kiss…It all seemed so long ago, like another lifetime…

A/N: Alright, so now you can see that this was a little sad. That's just how I am. The rest of the story is Haldir's memory. I might tell it from different POVs but maybe not. The next chapter will be up soon if I get some pretty reviews! Thank you!


	2. In the Beginning

Chapter 2: In the Beginning

A/N: Thank you guys for reviewing! I always enjoy hearing your feedback. I'm sorry if that first chapter was a little rushed but I wanted to actually get to the story part. 

Disclaimer: I own Lirael but the name is courtesy of Garth Nix.

It was a bright, sunny day in the woods of Lothlόrien. Haldir, the march warden, smiled (something he rarely does) as the sunlight caressed his face and warmth swept through his body. As he trekked through the woods he thought about all the times he had done the same thing with Wincessa, his ex, and wondered if ever again he would walk with another. (A/N: Ugh! That sounds so cheesy but I had a little trouble with this part)

But that would never be. For long ago he had given up on ever finding his other half. After a nasty break up with Wincessa, he vowed never to go through the same heartache again. Love was not worth the pain in his eyes. It was simpler this way; he could go into any battle and not leave a distressed woman at home to worry about. Yes, it was much simpler.

"Rúmil!" he called up to one of the talans. When there was no reply, he ascended up the ladder to the post. There, he found his blond-haired brother fast asleep against the tree. Haldir kicked him slightly. "Rúmil! Awaken now before I report you to the Lord and Lady!" he hollered.

This got a rise out of the elf. He jumped up and began surveying the area at once. "Good eve, brother. Fancy meeting you here. I believed this to be your day off, was it not?"

"It was," Haldir replied slowly. "But I found I had nothing better to do with my time. Why don't you take the remainder of the day off and return to your wife? I can take over the rest of your shift tonight."

Rúmil's face brightened at the thought for a moment but darkened soon after. "I could not ask that of you, brother. It is your day off, and you, not I, need it. You work relentlessly, without a moments rest. Why, you still have not even found yourself a suitable woman."

Haldir glared at his younger brother. Who was he to bring up the subject? "I take my job as march warden seriously," he answered. "And you know quite well that I have no need for a maiden right now."

"Brother? What do you have against love? It is a magnificent thing. It is not because you cannot find a woman; there are many who have a high regard for you."

"They throw themselves at me!" he snapped. "They are not in it for love; it is for money," he said slowly, regaining his composer (I'm guessing march wardens make good money). "Are you going home or not?"

Rúmil cast one last disapproving glare at his brother before turning towards the ladder. "It is not healthy to push yourself like this."

"I shall be the judge of the\at. Good day," Haldir remarked and turned towards the sea of emerald green treetops.

Everything seemed to be in order. But a movement a few leagues away, caught his eye. He whistled to the nearest talan and another elf made his way over.

"Yes?"

"There," he said, and pointed to the spot where he had seen the movement. "Stand guard here. I will round up a search party and investigate it."

Haldir assembled a scouting party and they soon headed out. Thinking it to be orcs, they each packed as much weaponry as they could hold. There had been reports of many wild orcs attacking nearby villages.

It was an estimated two-day walk to the area where the beasts had been spotted. And each night they rested, with two guards on watch at all times.

On the second night the first sounds of approaching footsteps had been heard: one elf and a horse. Haldir was quickly informed and his plans were put to action. The march warden headed out followed by at least 10 Galadhrim (did I spell that right?)/

And they waited.

_~~*~~_

Lirael's POV

_"I've got… to keep…moving…"_ I thought. My horse would tire easily from continuously running so I was forced to dismount and walk half the time. It was hard, walking, since I was cut, bruised, and aching all over.

Memories consumed me. Only four days ago I had been innocent, safe, naive…but that was before the attack. Hadralia, Laríen, Alphonsus, Eliparwen…all had been slain.

It all happened so suddenly; none could have expected it. It was a simple trail through the woods with my friends, nothing more. But the attack occurred. One wild orc leapt from the bushes, killing Laríen and his mount. Defenseless and without weapons, we, the women, were useless. 

Soon, three more jumped from the trees. I managed to escape with only a few injuries but my friends…they were not so lucky. I made the mistake of looking back once I was safe, and saw my last remaining companion, Hadralia, have her throat slit open.

But I was here now, running, running away, running for help, running from everything…

It was dark, and I could push Halie no further; she was exhausted. I did my best to set up a camp and make a small fire, but my hands were shaking too much. I gave up and crawled beneath a mallorn tree for shelter and let sleep overcome my weary body.

When I awoke, 13 arrows pointed at my head greeted me. There was nothing I could really do but raise my hands in surrender to these elves. I had no energy to even think otherwise.

A blond-haired man, the leader, stepped forth and put away his bow. "You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Light," he said to me. "What business brings you here?"

"Please," I begged. "Let me talk to Lady Galadriel. I only seek shelter and healing, for 5 days ago my party and I were attacked. All I ask id for one meeting with her."

He pondered this for a moment and called one of the other elves over. He pointed at my mount and me and soon the elf had bound my hands behind my back and was leading me towards Halie.

"Where am I being taken?" I inquired, my voice quivering slightly.

"To the Lord and Lady."

_~~*~~_

Haldir's POV

We arrived back at the city in record time. The girl, Lirael she said her name was, was in need of healing as well as her mount.

I was assigned the task of escorting her to the healer in Lothlόrien. It was most unpleasant since she could hardly walk and had to be carried most of the way.

Once inside, I explained to the healer where I had found her and in what conditions. For some reason I felt responsible for Lirael; maybe because I had been the one who had found her. "Would you send for me once she is feeling better? I need to question her on a few things."

I spent the remainder of my day in my talan, resting from the long journey and then went to bathe in the springs. It felt good to wash away all of the sweat, dirt, and grime that I had acquired over the last few days. After bathing, I reported to the Lord and Lady what had happened.

A few hours later, the healer's assistant came to fetch me with news that Lirael had awoken.

He led me to her room and there she lay, wrapped in numerous bandages. I asked about her condition but all he would tell me was that she had a small number of broken ribs and bruises. I looked at her frail body laying there on the bed, and felt sympathy for her.

"Is she well enough to meet with the Lord and Lady yet?" I asked, remembering that was one of her requests.

The healer looked at me as if I were crazy. "Try again tomorrow. I have given her a concoction to dull the pain and it has the tendency to make them drowsy. But she did say she needed to warn the 'blond-haired man' about something."

"I believe she meant me," I stated and he nodded. "I will be back for her tomorrow around 3. Will she be awoken by then?" 

I took my leave and headed home. Tomorrow would be an interesting day indeed.

A/N: I'm sorry if those two chapters seemed rushed, but it was so boring to me. The next few will be more interesting; I promise. Please review if you haven't already done so; I enjoying hearing from you guys. But don't flame though; it's so boring and time-consuming to delete them.


	3. Hold On

Chapter 3: Hold On

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in so long. But I'm presently working on 3 other fics as well as this one. Excuses, excuses, I know. Well, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing from LOTR which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. Oh, and the song below, it's by Good Charlotte. It's called "Hold On" and it's off their album "The Young and the Hopeless."

This world, this world is cold

But you don't, you don't have to go

You're feeling sad you're feeling lonely

And no one seems to care

Your mothers gone and your father hits

You this pain you cannot bear

But we all bleed the same way as you do

We all have the same things to go through

Hold on…If you feel like letting go

Hold on…It gets better than you know

Your days you say they're way too long

And your nights you can't sleep at all

And you're not sure what you're looking for

But you don't want to no more

And you're not sure what you're waiting for but don't want to no more

But we all bleed the same way as you do

We all have the same things to go through

Hold on...If you feel like letting go

Hold on…It gets better than you know

Don't stop looking, you're one step closer

Don't stop searching, it's not over…Hold on

What are you looking for?

What are you waiting for?

Do you know what you're doing me?

Go ahead…What are you waiting for?

Hold on…If you feel like letting go

Hold on…It gets better than you know

Don't stop looking you're one step closer

Don't stop searching it's not over…Hold on

Haldir's POV

I awoke early the next morning and just lay on my bed, deep in thought. So much had happened yesterday, it was mind-boggling. So I dressed and went to report to Lord Celeborn the events of the day before.

Lord Celeborn was quite interested in meeting Lirael. She had claimed to have been attacked by orcs along our borders and if this was true, we would need extra security around the precincts.

 Soon, 3 o'clock rolled by and I made my way to the healer to accompany Lirael to her meeting with the Lord and Lady. But, as I approached her room I saw the healer and two of his assistants standing around her bed. I witnessed her thrashing around wildly and screaming. "What happened?"

The healer soberly turned towards me. "We do not know. She just started kicking, clawing, and screaming soon after she fell asleep. We have made numerous attempts to wait her up, but she either hits us or claws at us."

"Interesting," I replied. "May I try?" The healer nodded and granted me entrance to her room. I warily stepped up to her bed, but stayed just out of range of her flailing limbs. I reached up and placed my hand upon her head.

She immediately stopped thrashing and screaming. A smile became visible upon her face and she soon fell into a dreamless slumber.

"How did you…" on of the assistants started but I silenced him.

"I too went through the same thing after my first battle. They are just nightmares, but she is having trouble differentiating dreams from reality. She thinks she is fighting off orcs; trapped inside her dreams almost."

"How long until they cease?" the youngest assistant queried.

I shrugged. "Weeks, months, years? It depends on the person. For me, they lasted 4 months. But I had no one to confide in. Mayhap, with my help, she can over come this."

_~~*~~_

Lirael's POV

Orcs. At least 20 of them surrounded me. I was alone. They began to advance upon me and I started screaming for help. The foul beings were almost upon me and I began kicking them away.

Suddenly though, the man from earlier appeared. He seemed to glow a bright, white color. He whipped out his bow and started slaying the orcs that had encircled me. 

I smiled at him once the orcs were dead but in the blink of an eye, he was gone.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw the man from my dream standing above me. I blinked a few times to make sure he was real.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked me, a smile pulling at the ends of his lips.

I groaned when I tried to sit up, as I was quite sore. "I guess you could say that," I retorted. "I saw you in my dream; you saved me from the orcs." I paused. "I thought it was real."

He nodded. "I understand, for I too went through the same thing. But I'm going to help you through this… I promise."

I smiled at him. "Thank you."

_~~*~~_

Haldir's POV

"You're welcome," I answered. "Now, the real reason I'm here is to escort you to your meeting with the Lord and Lady. Are you well enough?"

"I should be," she said, but sounded a bit unsure of herself. She pulled back the blankets and swung her legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. She then attempted to make her way to the bathroom but faltered along the way. 

I was up in a flash and helped her along. "Do you wish to do this another day maybe? I am unsure if you are capable of making it there."

_~~*~~_ (Same POV)

"So there are orcs along the borders?" Lord Celeborn asked again. She nodded. "This is ill news you bring." He then turned to me. "Haldir, can you assemble a troop and scout the area."

I nodded. "My lord? If I may, take Lady Lirael back to the healer? She has had a long day and has grown weary."

"Yes, yes. I believe we have all the information we can gather from her."

_~~*~~_ (Yes, it's still the same)

It was dark when I awoke. Everything was silent but I felt that there was something amiss. I rose from my bed and exited the room.

The halls were silent, save the occasional snore emanating from the room of a human guest.  Everything seemed to be in order, but a voice in the back of my head was telling me otherwise. 

Then it hit me, Lirael. I swiftly made my way across the grounds and to the House of healing. Since the healer did not live there, it was empty save Lirael and a man who had been wounded in battle a few weeks ago. 

I opened her door and saw her once again wildly thrashing about. I placed my hand once again upon her head as I had done earlier and she awakened immediately.

"Haldir? What are…" she started but began sobbing.

"Shh…" I coaxed and crawled up on the bed and held her close as she cried. "It'll be alright, don't worry."

"It was horrible!" she choked out. "I was reliving the murder of my friends. The orcs surrounded me and I didn't know what to do." Lirael began to cry harder and I held her closer and rubbed her back.

"Calm down. It's going to be alright. They can't get you anymore."

"I don't want to sleep. I can't bear to see my friends die again. Every time I close my eyes I'm reminded that I could have saved them; I let them down.

"I'll stay with you," I said, surprising myself.

She sniffled and attempted to dry her face. "You will?"

"Yes. Now sleep; I'll be here if you need me."

Lirael smiled and nodded. She then nestled in closer to me and promptly fell asleep. She had a small smile upon her face that reminded me of that of a small child.

Once during the night she started kicking but it didn't last long. I settled her down and she was asleep once again.

_~~*~~_

Lirael's POV

The next morning when I awoke I found Haldir still on the bed, asleep. Judging by the light coming in through the window, I guessed it was around noon.

_"Surely he has duty to attend to,"_ I thought. I then saw why he had not left yet. I had somehow during the night grabbed his hand and was holding it close.  I promptly let it go, awakening him in the process.

He turned to me. "Did you sleep any better?" he asked. I nodded. "That is good to hear."

"Didn't Lord Celeborn assign you to patrol the borders today?" I asked him.

He looked confused for a moment, trying to remember then his eyes widened considerably. "I forgot about that!" He leapt from the bed and scrambled out the door.

I heard one of the assistants yell, followed by a crash. Then Haldir calling back, "My apologies, but I am in a terrible hurry!"

I smiled. Haldir certainly was quite an elf.

A/N: Woo! That was long! Well, for me at least. It was 3 pages front and back handwritten. Anyway, I hope this chapter was to your liking. Review and let me know, K?


	4. A Very Sorry Author

Hey people, 

You know, I wish I had a good excuse as to why I haven't updated; but quite frankly, I don't have one. I've just kinda been lazy and I've had a lot of things on my mind. So I'm here just to let you know that, yes, I'm still alive. And the next chapter should be up soon. This time, I promise.

-Tap-dancing Hobbit


	5. I Need You

**Chapter 5: I Need You**

**A/N**: Wow, it sure has been a while since I've updated. Sorry. I've just been really bogged down with stuff and updating just wasn't fitting into me schedule. Well, enough of my excuses. Oh, and this isn't really a chapter per se but I just wanted to update. So…enjoy if you can. 

**Disclaimer**: I own Lirael. Everything else belongs to my god, Tolkien.

"Do you remember that day, Lirael?" Haldir managed to choke out in between sobs. "The days when before we realized we needed each other? Lirael, _mela en' coiamin, _I still need you. Don't leave me…I need you."

The last part came out almost as a whisper. Emotions swirled inside of him like never before.

"Haldir, _melamin_," Lirael sobbed. "You are strong; you do not need me."

"Do not say that! I love you, Lirael, more than you will ever know. Please…don't leave me again."

"I will leave when it is my time, Haldir. No sooner, and no later." She coughed and her body shook violently. "_Aratoamin, finish the tale before my time has come."_

He smiled at the mention of his old nickname. Before the war, the war that would claim the life of his lover and himself. "As you wish, my lady."

**Translations**: 

Mela en' coiamin: Love of my life

Melamin: My love

Arataomin: My champion

**A/N**: *Gags* Gogh, that was bad. So very, very bad. But that's all I'm typing for right now as I have work to do. *Mumbles about unfair World History teacher* Anyway, please, please, please review and let me know what you think of this little thingy (for lack of better word). 

Oh, and FYI, the only fics I will currently be working on will be this one and Lle Holma Ve' Edan. The next chapters will be up in the next couple of weeks, I promise. 

And the translations came from a website I stumbled upon. **www.greycompany.org**


	6. Time Will Tell

**Chapter 6: Time Will Tell**

**A/N:** Wow, sure has been a long time since I last updated. I think I'm losing the joy of fan fiction writing. Oh, and just to clarify, this fic is a flashback. I sometimes jump back to present time though when I'm stuck on ideas. Now, with that said, enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I own Lirael. Everything else belongs to Tolkien.

**_Lirael's POV_**

For days Haldir did not return. Although the nightmares had more or less ceased, I still felt as though I needed him there with me each night. To feel his muscles ripple as he moved, the warmth of his body, his azure eyes…

I stopped myself. Surely I was not having these thoughts about my only friend in Lórien, Haldir. He was nothing more than a friend who knew what I was going through when others did not. Yet something in the back of my mind was telling me otherwise.

In the morning of the 6th day since Haldir and his scouting party had left, I was given a special visit by none other than Lord Celeborn himself. I was still in my sleeping wear, lying in bed when a soft knock came from my door.

I did a double take when I saw who had walked through my door. I hurriedly tried to cover myself with the sheets of my bed. Imagine, _the Lord Celeborn walking into my room and I was not properly dressed._

"My-my-my lord!" I exclaimed. "I was not expecting to see you."

He smiled and waved me off. "Do not fret my dear Lirael. For I have only come this morning to tell you that Haldir and his company have returned."

I was confused. Yes, I was happy they had returned, but what did this have to do with myself? 

Celeborn must have read the confusion on my face for he soon added, "You must be relieved to hear that a certain march warden has returned safe."

"I do not understand."

He nodded. "I see. Well, I ma afraid I must take my leave from you now, Lady Lirael. If you need anything, please, do not hesitate to ask." And with that, he was gone.

What had he meant by his comment about the march warden? Surely he did not think- Why that thought was positively ridiculous! Or was it?

**_Haldir's POV (earlier)_**

We entered Caras Galadhon at dawn. My first duty was to report to the lord and lady about our scouting party.

"Haldir, it is good to see you back and well," the lord of Lórien said.

I bowed my head in respect. "Thank you my lord. It is good to be home."

"Tell me, how went the search?"

"We found the bodies of Lady Lirael's friends among orc corpses. It appears as though a civil war took place among them. We buried the bodies of her companions and burned those of the enemy." (A/N: I don't know if that is the custom of the elves. If you know would you tell me? Thanks)

"This is ill news you bring," he said thoughtfully. "Lirael will be most grieved."

I nodded. I felt sorry for Lirael; she was alone now. After everything she had gone through, this would be most hard on her.

"Will you not be the one to break the news to her? She seems to have taken a liking to you," Celeborn stated.

I nodded once again. "Aye, my lord." And with that I bowed and left to break the news to Lirael of her friend's death. Of all the tasks I had been assigned throughout the years, bearing news of death was by far the most difficult.

                                    ***

"I knew they would be dead," she said quietly. She sat upon her bed, staring at the ground, emotionless. "Who could survive something like that?"

I did not know how to respond. She was taking all this news in almost too easily. Her eyes looked lost, hopeless, and she tried had to cover the pain she was feeling inside. It could not fool me though; for I too did this when my parents sailed away to the Undying Lands.

"Lirael…" I said taking a step closer to her and kneeling down to look her in the eye. "It is alright to cry," I whispered.

Her eyes filled with tears and she threw her arms around my neck as she sobbed. Lirael sank down to the floor with me and I held her close.

Rubbing small circles on her back and whispering soothing words to her, I tried to calm her down. She cried for close to 20 minutes before sitting up and wiping her tears.

"I'm sorry," she chocked out.

"Do not apologize for grieving the loss of friends and loved ones, Lirael."

She tried to smile but it came out as more of a grimace. "I just…fell responsible for their deaths. Like everything happened because of me. If it hadn't been for me suggesting-"

"None of this was your fault. Remember that."

"I know but-"

"It was _not_ your fault," I said sternly. "I know what it is you are feeling for I too had the same thoughts when my parents sailed away. But in time I came to realize that it was not my doing. You must do the same."

Lirael nodded. "Thank you, Haldir," she said gently.

                                    ***

I sat in my talan trying to read a book that I had started many months before as being a march warden does not leave much time for leisure. I saw and read the words on the page but they were not registering in my head. My mind was elsewhere. I could not help but worry about Lirael.

For some reason she was all I could think about. The way she smelled, how her body shook earlier with each sob, how wonderful it felt to hold her in my arms…

Wait, I was could not be thinking about her in that way! The very idea was laughable. She was a poor, helpless maiden I had barely met but a few days ago! No, she was only an acquaintance and nothing more.

**_Narrative POV_**

"Do you think they know?" Celeborn asked his wife s he stood looking out the window at the golden wood.

"I think," Galadriel said, "that they both do not wish to recognize the truth."

"Surely in time that will change, will it not?"

"Only time will tell." And she turned away and exited the room.

"Time will tell…" Celeborn repeated.

**A/N:** Cool, I'm finished. Well, please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter. Thank you. 


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